Sometimes authenticity means accepting (and even expressing!) parts of ourselves that we wish weren’t, that we’re working on deleting — like having unusual needs and limits due to chronic illness. I was raised not to hate, but ughhh I fucking hate it.
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Being laid back is a part of myself I’ve always enjoyed, but these days expressing “no worries” can result in misunderstandings about what’s no big deal and what causes flares and missing out on work and life. (#SpoonieProblems: sometimes things are indeed NBD, but other times they lead to symptom hell. It can be impossible to tell which is which. 🤯)
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So sometimes — generally after letting myself get slowly and accidentally nudged off the cliff that is a spoonie meltdown — I have to redraw lines. Be authentic about this thing I wish wasn’t true, that my current MO isn’t actually “no worries,” but “due to health stuffs, I’m really quite particular about many things.” (Let’s not even start with the special diet, oy!)
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While I can’t “go with the flow” as much as I wish, fighting it doesn’t do any good either; I’m doing my best, and it is what it is. My days of “why not?” will return, and who I am in this grumpy pain-riddled moment is awesome too. Thanks for listening 😘
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#spoonie #authenticity @brenebrown #brenebrownquotes #brenebrown #doyou #youdoyou #fibromyalgia #fibromyalgiaawareness #chronicillness #mondaymood
My tarot cards this morning were the six of wands reversed and the nine of cups — a paradoxical combo. See, the six of wands is all about celebration and victory, so upside down it can mean lack there of, failure (or personal/unshared victory); and the nine of cups is all about wishes being granted. So tarot was sort of saying a “lose/win kinda day.”
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And so it was. I was out for a few hours, but spent half that time looking for parking and trying to get to a car wash that wound up being closed — and I have no holiday presents nor twinkle lights to show for my efforts. (I remember why I usually avoid errands on weekends...) I accomplished just 45 minutes of work whilst eating delicious noms at #seabirdslongbeach, getting gas, and purchasing groceries.
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But it was a lovely wishes-fulfilled day nonetheless. I get anxious if my tank gets below 1/4 tank, so finally refilled today; then I realized that I hadn’t done that since moving here two months ago! I finally have my dream of a hybrid car, and it’s way sexier than a Prius. I was literally wishing a two-door hybrid existed this time last year, and now I have one.
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I wrote paid words I loved writing from a vegan cafe that’s just a quick walk from my house — and I can freakin’ walk without a walker, another dream, though I got that one two years ago — I’ve wanted to bop about a city I love while writing since I saw Sex and the City for the first time. (The 90’s, yo. When the only readily available non-salad dairy-and-gluten free food was french fries!)
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I saw at least five dope murals and one mosaic-graffiti daisy (#lbcforever), wore the #nastywoman shirt that makes me smile, grocery-line chatted about fibromyalgia with a woman who sweetly gave me pine branches to add to my holiday bouquet, cozily read in my perfectly-decorated apartment (where no one else lives!), and just generally have a warm glowy feeling emanating from my core.
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This is the life I fantasized about during those long painful months spent living in the backseat of my 25-year-old car. Even when half the day’s plans fall through, ‘tis still a damn good day anyhoo. Victory indeed, judged by these eyes in this moment. Happy Saturday 😘
The power outage is already over!! (Nothing like the potential of three weeks of darkness to make a bonkers week no big whoop, haha) And, as always, I learned lots o’stuff.
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I had my monthly reiki at @thesaltloungelb the same day that the power went out, and I received an external note in regard to something I’ve been denying get internal messages about — screen time. I reacted a bit defensively, not aware of it at the time...but I later caught myself, remembering how my voice did go to that tone of “convince them! charm them!” that I’m trying to delete, the one that was always ON when I was in sales. 🤣
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So, with screen time at the top of my mind and significantly limited by no power at home; I couldn’t bring myself to prepare/download for my dark evenings by continuing to rewatch a show I’ve already seen twice (though adorable! #theoc); and downloaded a documentary instead, but mostly read/crafted by phone light.
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I use screens as a “sweep me up tool,” but that’s just a fun way of saying “escapist behavior.” Yet, in over four years of conscious and intuitive living with this painful health condition (#fibromyalgia) — this note hadn’t risen internally or externally until just this week.
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Since I’ve depended on screens to escape the increased nightly pain in my body, I’m hoping this is a sign of healing — especially because I’m not currently symptom-flaring despite that meltdown and current rainstorm! Please send juju it’s really real 🤞❤️
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📸: I also learned that I’m not enjoying my surroundings NEARLY as much as I could be, look at all this awesome! In a few days of being shaken from my normal patterns, I went to *seven* awesome businesses I hadn’t visited since the move; two that I didn’t even know existed, including a shop near my house with a great energy-clearing section. (And my beloved work bag, with its patches all sewed on!)
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#flexibility #crisisaverted #grateful #gratitude #personalgrowth #growth #healing #wellnessjourney #spiritualgangster #allswellthatendswell #reflection #reiki #intuition #longbeachca #lbc #lbcforever
Got a little surprise yesterday when I woke up to no power in my apartment in addition to bonkers symptoms; if I still had my walker, I’d greatly have benefited from it. My knees were bending under my body weight as I ran around to the breaker boxes on the phone with the power company, trying not to audibly let out sobs.
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An hour later I was on the floor fully crying as they explained my landlord would have to call — that I’d pushed myself into a meltdown for nothing. Oy! (Don’t get a demyelinated nervous system and fibromyalgia, I do not recommend it. Not fine holiday fun.) And today I got the news that the power could be out for another THREE WEEKS, oyyyyyyy.
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I was feeling triggered as I plugged my dead electronics in at the cafe today, remembering how I had to do it daily when I was homeless. Then a woman with frenetic energy asked if I realllly needed both outlets in the plug by me, “Well, yes I do, these things are dead and my power is out.” She raised her hands to the air and said, “Well I’m homeless!” I was startled as I pointed at the empty bar with empty outlets, “There’s more!” I said, not gently.
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But she’d done it. I couldn’t feel sorry for myself anymore, especially when my landlord basically told me rent’s free because of the hassle and expenses. So I went over to her and said hello, told her I’d been through it and that she’d get through it too, that hard times don’t last. I asked if I could give her some cash and she humbly accepted, thanking me for her future dinner on her way out. My heart feels warm, and though my toes are less so — I’ve got a camping heater on the way. ❤️
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📸: Trying to make lemonade by enjoying working in my neighborhood and not being able to cook via @saludjuice, @thesociallistlb, @lordwindsorcoffee,and @seabirdskitchen. A stop by @retroda_pastandpresent also lifted my spirits! Finished off today with sketching and Seabirds deelish gluten free vegan tiramisu 👌 Love love loooove my ‘hood...
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#surprise #4thstreetlb #longbeach #spoonie #fibrowarrior #mthfr #makethebestofit #wednesdayvibes #localbusiness #lbc #perspective #healthjourney #homesweethome
You know what they say, "You can't spell 'assume' without making an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me.'" ⠀
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When we assume that we know about a situation, we're usually doing so because of a fun little mental phenomenon called projection; in which we project our experiences onto someone else, assuming that they'll be comparable.⠀
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And while this can be a time-saver, it's often inaccurate – and it can be hard to know when. I grew up hearing that little cliche above, so I've always been wary of assumptions, but since chronic illness became a part of my life it's been illustrated consistently.⠀
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Not everyone has the same needs, and not everyone has the same abilities. Others don't always have the same "common sense" as us, as people learn wildly different things depending on their upbringing and experiences. Same goes for "common courtesies," I know my mother set me up to be disappointed with most of the world on that one! (Which I'm grateful for.) ⠀
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But someone not knowing they're being insensitive or problematic doesn't (necessarily) mean they're an asshole, just as someone in my situation isn't weak or whiny for having different needs. When in doubt (or excessively sure!) – questions, questions, questions ❤⠀
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#wednesdaywisdom #quote #quotestagram #personalgrowth #growth #positivevibes #positivevibesonly #writersofinstagram #personaldevelopment #spoonieproblems #compassion
My sleep struggles have continued, but delightful productive days have prevailed nonetheless. Yesterday seemed lost after waking up from very little sleep to horrendous pain (#fibromyalgia), but my mind was deliriously flaming with creative ideas!
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And out they poured, a completely new idea for better original content here and a draft of a speech I’d like to start giving; hopefully in preparation for a TEDx or Moth sort of event, but just the writing of it was immensely cathartic. I sobbed whilst laughing and manically typing, then sat satisfied — my heart feeling lighter with sweet release and internal closure.
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When I finished, I consulted an oracle deck before moving onto my “relax and restore” time; expecting it to say something like, “you go girl, you made lemonade from lemons!” But it did not. It said “get to work, girlfriend!” I consulted another, same meaning. A third, ditto.
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I felt awful and it seemed impossible to make more, especially the task it seemed to be suggesting — working on science-based writing that I need to get done ASAP. So I asked the quiet little voice inside for guidance on this demand, hoping it’d say to rest (as it SO often does) — “rise up” — was instead its characteristically-neutral response, like it wasn’t asking me to do something that felt unbearable.
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But I did it! I used various methods to cleanse my energy and busted out fleshed-out essay outlines to both essays in less than two hours. Ta-da! I’d been trying to disagree with the cards and force it out anyways for days, it’s so illustrative of the #wuwei concept life has been oh-so-patiently teaching me all year.
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It perfectly combines with the multiple levels of internal intelligence @fabsharna taught about last week, my body/instinct remembering painful flares caused by overaction but intuitive juju knowing I had a more creative energy to utilize — SO fucking cool, man.
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📸: Today was another shite sleep (see pic 5, no I was not canna-medicated 🤣), but the cards again told me to shake it off. So I did, starting with the clarifying glory of light on water, then discovering my hotspot semi-works at the beach, then treating myself to brunch. "Grateful" feels small ❤️
